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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23818228">Who Wants to Live Forever?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/drelfina/pseuds/drelfina'>drelfina</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Naruto</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack, Every Uchiha, Everyone lives, Founders Era, Gen, German Dub Style!, M/M, Multi, Other, Surprise pairings! Sort of, The no one dies AU, even the gold and silver brothers, in the stupidest possible ways, my sense of humour, no one died, no one dies everyone lives, oh no, read if you trust me don't read if you don't, watch how i fix canon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 15:48:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,230</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23818228</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/drelfina/pseuds/drelfina</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Instead of dying, Uchiha Izuna gets kidnapped. </p><p>It's all probably his fault this happened.</p><hr/><p>The no one dies AU.</p><p>In the stupidest of fashions. :D Unapologetic crack all the way through.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Namikaze Minato/Uzumaki Kushina, Senju Hashirama/Uchiha Madara, Senju Hashirama/Uzumaki Mito, Senju Tobirama/Uchiha Izuna</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>139</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>293</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Who Wants to Live Forever?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverUtahraptor/gifts">SilverUtahraptor</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So Silverutahraptor told me about the German Dub of Naruto and how confusing it was because <i>no one died</i>. Everyone gets defeated like <i>pokemon</i> therefore... </p><p>I had to write this. </p><p>No fourth shinobi war because <i>this</i> happened instead. </p><p><i>No one Dies</i>.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Am I alright, why yes, I am, thank you for asking, Niisan, lovely weather we're having too," Izuna said, while Madara glared over Izuna's shoulder. "I'm great, fantastic, even, look at - hey now stop poking him!"</p><p>"He fucking <i>kidnapped</i> you," Madara growled. "I thought you were dead!"</p><p>"does it look like he can kill me, the fastest of all Uchiha?" Izuna said, scandalized.</p><p>"I'm kind of faster than you," the man behind him said very calmly. Almost serenely.</p><p>"Kind of?" Izuna scoffed.</p><p>"Alright, I was trying to be less, as you've said, <i>pedantic</i>. But when I use the shunshin i am actually three times faster than you."</p><p>"How the fuck do you even know that," Madara said.</p><p>"He timed it," Izuna said. "with little timers! Sand, in glass, can you believe it?"</p><p>"I can believe he <i>killed</i> you! Where the fuck had you been keeping him, Senju?! Talk, or you'll -"</p><p>"You can't stab my husband!" Izuna cried.</p><p>THe other Uchiha stared at him.</p><p>"you are <i>what</i>," Madara said.</p><p>"We're married," Izuna said.</p><p>"I can't believe," Madara said, looking like his hair was going to catch fire, "You'd get yourself kidnapped and then come back with a <i>wife</i>!" </p><p>"Actually -" Tobirama started.</p><p>"I'm the wife!" Izuna chirped. </p><p>Madara picked his wayward brother <i>and now ex-heir</i> up and threw him into the nearest body of water.</p><p>Considering the nearest tributary of the Naka River was a good five minutes run, that was an impressive feat. </p><p>Izuna would be impressed. </p><p>Later.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>"You're <i>married</i>," Madara yelled at Hashirama, and tried to smack him in the face with the nearest mokuton branch he could reach. </p><p>Technically there were a lot of branches he could reach, but seeing that Hashirama had basically wrapped him UP in the mokuton, it took quite a bit of effort to pull an arm free to smack Hashirama. </p><p>Points for effort though. </p><p>"Yes?" Hashirama said. "That's… not a problem? Mito-san doesn't mind?" </p><p>"She's your <i>wife</i>!" </p><p>"And of course I talked it over with her," Hashirama said frankly, "And we're both willing to give this triad a go." </p><p>"WHEN was this a triad?" </p><p>"When i just asked you, just now," Hashirama said. </p><p>"You <i>ambushed</i> me with a "let's have sex now!" face," Madara yelled at him. </p><p>"You did seem a little jumpy, yes," Hashirama agreed. </p><p>"JUMPY?!" </p><p>Madara tried to smack Hashirama with a branch. It went floppy and sagged sadly in his hand. </p><p>"Look at the mess of the valley! Look at what you did!" </p><p>"You were setting everything on fire," Hashirama pointed out, "and wouldn't stay still to let me explain." </p><p>"You fucking <i>ambushed me</i> with a "let's have a threesome' talk! What is with you Senju!?" </p><p>"Is that a no?" Hashirama asked. </p><p>"NO IT ISN'T A NO, I'M JUST SAYING," Madara snapped, "You have the worst timing and not a single romantic bone in your body!" </p><p>"Ah," Hashirama said. "So you want <i>Mito-san</i> to ask." </p><p>"Wait," Madara said, "No that's not what -" </p><p>"I'll let Mito-san know," Hashirama said cheerfully, and gathered Madara, bonds and all, up under his arm like a particularly bristly bag of rice. The big giant fucking lunk didn't seem to notice that Madara actually weighed <i>something</i>. "I'm sure she'll have all the romance you could require!" </p><p>"I," Madara said, trying to figure out if he could gnaw the mokuton off, "hate you so much." </p><p>Hashirama beamed.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>"You did what," Izuna said, staring at the battered, bedraggled batch of young jounin at the gates. "Did you - listen, you had better not have done, what I heard you say you did." </p><p>"Izuna-sama," Sarutobi Hiruzen said, his eyes huge and soulful, held out a hat to Izuna. </p><p><i>the</i> fucking hat. </p><p>"He said we had to leave him," Kagami said, and - and - </p><p>"You should have known <i>better</i>," Izuna snarled, snatching the hat out of Hiruzen's hands and jabbing Kagami in the throat. "You should know better than to leave that idiot alone! Anywhere! The last time you left him alone in Kiri what did he do?" </p><p>"He… broke another law of nature?" </p><p>"He let himself get <i>hit on</i> by the goddamn Mizukage," Izuna yelled, "And that's not allowed! This time you left him alone in <i>lightning!</i>" </p><p>"We didn't mean to," Akimichi Torifu cried, "He said we had to - the Raikage was defeated and - " </p><p>"The Gold and Silver brothers were chasing after us -" </p><p>"The gold and silver brothers!" Izuna shrieked. "They're <i>worse</i> than the Raikage! They keep making eyes at him and - I am - you all are going to <i>wait</i> right here until i come back because you are all <i>in</i> for it!" </p><p>Shimura Danzou hiccuped. </p><p>Izuna glared at all of them and just leapt up over the gate, ignoring the gatekeepers' cries of <i>"Izuna sama, we can open the gates!"</i> and started running towards Lightning. </p><p>If those two assholes even touched <i>one hair</i> of his Husband's head, he was going to send them straight to see the Izanami no mikoto, no appointment required. </p><p>"We are definitely going to die," Kagami said. "There's a reason why Sensei said to avoid Izuna-sama when we got back." </p><p>"So," Hiruzen said, after a moment, "is your will updated yet?" </p><p>"I'm going to send someone to update it," Kagami sighed. "Do you think Hana-san is willing to marry a dead man?" </p><p>"Maybe if you can get her to marry you right now before Izuna-sama comes back," Hiruzen said. </p><p>Danzou sulked. </p><p>Everyone ignored him.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>"That was an insanely stupid thing to do," Orochimaru snapped when Sakumo swam into consciousness. </p><p>"Orochi?" he said, sounding muddled. "Where -" </p><p>"I had that silly blond chit come crying on my doorstep about how he doesn't know anything about children," Orochimaru said, and in Sakumo's bleary vision,probably scowling fit to peel the paint off the wall. </p><p>He had been… hadn't he been about to die? He remembered the knife. The pain. </p><p>"And then Uchiha Fugaku showed up right behind that little idiot because apparently <i>you</i> put me down as your next of kin," Orochimaru continued. </p><p>"Oh," sakumo said. </p><p>"Oh," Orochimaru said. "If crying blonds and tiny children in my living room and the <i>police</i> on my front doorstep interrupt me one more time because you were being a stupid suicidal <i>idiot</i>, I will murder you myself. Is that clear?" </p><p>"Crystal," Sakumo said, smiling fuzzily, because that pressure on his hand? </p><p>Wasn't the blanket.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>"That wasn't the plan!" Minato heard as he tried to figure out what on earth was happening. There was dirt under his cheek, the voice echoed in his head like the world's worst hangover. </p><p>"They were attacking me," grumbled a different voice, and this one was like fire and lava, like how Mikoto sounded when she was laughing, generally after a very successful and bloody battlefield. </p><p>"That doesn't mean you should bring him back here!" That was an oddly familiar voice.</p><p>"It clung, like a seed." </p><p>"Seeds don't cling." </p><p>"The clingy ones with spikes do," the fire voice said, and huffed. "Besides. It's waking up." </p><p>"Who which it - no wait -" </p><p>"Not the vixen," the voice said. </p><p>And then a gloved hand poked Minato in the cheek. </p><p>"Open your eyes, c'mon, open -" </p><p>Minato twitched, opened his eyes. "<i>Obito</i>?" </p><p>The hand stopped poking him in the cheekbone. "... fuck. Uh. Okay. Sharingan time it is." </p><p>"No wait -" </p><p>But then. Everything faded away. </p><p>"Like that is better than just throwing them into the river," Kurama observed as the two very annoying pokey people wandered out of the cave. </p><p>"Look, you can't just kill <i>sensei</i>," Obito said. "Besides, they'd probably wash back up from the river, and then we'd have to do this <i>all over again</i>." </p><p>"You're very annoying," Kurama said. "I should have just eaten you." </p><p>"I know," Obito said, patting the Kyuubi's flank, watching his sensei and sensei's wife wander past, looking a bit bemused but, this was important, completely not recognising Obito OR the giant flaming fox at all. "They're out of the picture now. We can get down to business." </p><p>"Of doing something to the moon, yes, I know," Kurama said, and stretched, yawning huge and wide, tongue curling. "It's not going to work." </p><p>"We'll see about that."</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>"You're going to regret this!" </p><p>Itachi frowned a little, while Kisame sighed, putting down the huge tray of food that he'd been toting. Maybe he should acquire a trolley. </p><p>"Itachi-san," he said to the top of Itachi's head. "Are you sure this is still the best idea?" </p><p>Itachi didn't say anything, just taking one tray from Kisame's arm, and walked to his parents' cell. </p><p>Kisame knew it was his parents', because the woman looked like Itachi in the way she had pretty and fine boned structure in the face, and the man's nose looked like Itachi's. </p><p>Most importantly, they both had the <i>Judging Parents</i> expression on. </p><p>"Father. Mother," Itachi said, and knelt down to put the tray in front of them. </p><p>"We're very disappointed in you," the man, Father, said. "This is not a solution." </p><p>"I had to prevent the coup," Itachi said. </p><p>"That is hardly the way to do it," Itachi's father said. Another uchiha two cells down yelled. "And think of the children!" </p><p>"I <i>did</i>," Itachi said. "Sasuke is still attending school. I'm not going to interrupt his studies." </p><p>"At least you're a good older brother," Itachi's mother said. </p><p>"We're still disappointed in you." </p><p>Itachi inclined his head, and then exited the whole row of cells. </p><p>"I don't think this is a good idea," Kisame said, when they were walking up the steps to ground level. "They really are eating our budget thin, and the ransom from the Hokage still hasn't come in." </p><p>Itachi didn't answer. </p><p>"Kakuzu is going  to get impatient," Kisame said. "I mean, i get it, i understand the fact that removing the entire Uchiha clan from Konoha does hobble their mission-taking ability, and weakens Konoha significantly but -" </p><p>"Until Konoha releases my cousin," Itachi said, voice low and soft but <i>intense</i>, "I will not return the Uchiha Clan." </p><p>"... okay then," Kisame said.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>"Okay wow," said a white haired man staring at the long entire row of the Uchiha in the cells. "You go away for like, ten years and then this shit happens. Niisan is going to lose his mind if he sees." </p><p>"Izuna-sama?" Fugaku said, eyes widening. </p><p>"And I'm insulted," Izuna, younger brother of <i>the</i> Uchiha Madara, he of the second Mangekyou of Uchiha's living history since the founders' era, said. "If he's going to kidnap all the Uchiha he should be <i>thorough</i>. Fugaku-chan, i'm very disappointed in your child-rearing skills." </p><p>"Izuna-sama," Fugaku said, wincing. "I will discipline him when we get out of here." </p><p>"Yeah, you'd better," Izuna sniffed. </p><p>"Where had you been, Izuna-sama?" Mikoto asked, somewhat deferentially, though she was looking at him through her eyelashes with a mild look of judgement. Izuna approved. He'd always liked her. Or was it her mother? He can't remember that so well, Uchiha kids all tended to look the same after a while. "Surely this would not have happened if you or Madara-sama -" </p><p>"Those Gold and Silver Fuckers," Izuna said, "turning up like cockroaches. You won't believe where i had to stash my husband so they wouldn't find him. Well. up you get. Chop chop. We are going back to konoha so i can scold a kid."</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>"Wow," Shisui said, staring at the doorway. "It's really you! I thought you were dead!" </p><p>A snort. </p><p>"This is a shitty dungeon," the voice of a legend said. </p><p>"Well yeah, it's cold and full of creepy body bits," Shisui said. </p><p>"Oh Madara, look what your grandson got me!" </p><p>"That's <i>not</i> my grandson!" Madara yelled back over his shoulder. "Come on, get up." </p><p>"Can't," Shisui said, "I'm chained here." </p><p>Madara gave him a sardonic look, reached over and set fire to the chains. </p><p>"Ow," Shisui said. </p><p>"It's a fire fox!" </p><p>"Then take it outside!" Madara yelled. "Get up, kid." </p><p>"What happened to Danzou-sama?" </p><p>"The Stupid tree is dealing with him," madara grunted as he hauled Shisui up onto his stupidly long legs. </p><p>Shisui wobbled a little, and tried not to look taller than <i>the</i> Uchiha Madara. </p><p>Could you believe it? Uchiha Madara came to rescue HIM. Uchiha Madara! He was in TEXTBOOKS! </p><p>"For fuck's sake," Uchiha Madara said as he towed Shisui out of the dungeon. "Where is that little shit who has been stashing body parts and Uchiha brats in the basement?" </p><p>"Who?" Hashirama said, wrestling with a huge fiery fox about the size of a house. </p><p>"Your head is empty of nothing but your hair," Madara said. "Oy, you, kid." </p><p>"Me?" said the man wearing an orange mask. Shisui squinted at him. </p><p>"Does it look like I'm talking to the wobbly infant here? Yes you. Go and find that asshole who seems to think keeping kids in the basement is a wholesome hobby, I have to talk to him. Hashirama, stop fondling that fox! Put it DOWN." </p><p>Uchiha Madara stomped over to Hashirama and hauled the fox off him, and Shisui sagged against a wall, beaming like an idiot. </p><p>Uchiha Madara <i>rescued</i> him! Wait till Itachi heard, Itachi was going to be <i>so</i> jealous!</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Uchiha Sasuke was very unhappy with all the fuss that had happened when his clan had disappeared over night, and then reappeared weeks later. </p><p>He had <i>finals</i> and this was really interrupting his studying! </p><p>He was going to have to run away to some marsh or something if he wanted to get anything <i>done</i>. </p><p>END</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH</p><p>:D</p><p>This is entirely SilverUtahraptor's fault. You can blame them.</p><hr/><p>Also me: </p><p>Wait, so if Kyuubi KIDNAPPED Yondaime, what the fuck happened - did he just take him to his DEN OF SIN? </p><p>If kyuubi was controlled by Obito, did that mean OBITO took Minato to his DEN OF SIN? </p><p>WHAT THE HELL, GERMAN DUB WAHT THE HELL</p></blockquote></div></div>
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